Meeting Michael

So today was a great day. I worked at my little scrapbook shop on the Oregon Coast and I rode out there with my Hotness and his son, Michael.

I finally met Michael, for real, last night. I have been dating his dad for a long time, but there has been a very uncomfortable air surrounding our relationship and because of that I have not had any contact with his two kids, while he has been able to form a relationship with my two children. My kids are younger, they are more open to people I think than maybe his children are, and luckily, my kids like my Hotness a lot.

Do you get to air real things on a blog that no one is reading, but it is public and might be read? Hmmm, this is where I ponder honesty. I mean, people don't know how to be honest anymore and I am overly honest, which results in me being labeled a "bitch" and alienates me from other human beings who would rather just live a lie. Irregardless, the following story is really crazy and it makes me seem like a utter cow. But truth be told, I am not a cow and was just lost for years about who I was, what I wanted, and how to get myself out of a bad situation that was getting worse.

Let's roll back: October 2006.

After being married for almost 10 years I was devastatingly lost in a hopeless marriage that lacked passion, truth, trust or anything that any really good marriage should have. I asked for a divorce. I was met with a vile turn of personality that I had not known before and decided I would give it "one more chance" to make everyone happy again. Only I wasn't happy. I loved the man. I had always loved the man. But he was a liar. He was an alcoholic. He was an addict. He was the most toxic thing I had ever had in my life and I was an empty shell of a person who was running on empty trying to smile during the day and hide the truth of my complete despair. I was taking care of two children, and a grown man, who really never helped to take care of any of us. He was totally incapable of taking care of anyone including, to this very day, himself. It is sad, but true.

(I have worked my ass off since I was 16 years old. I still work my ass off everyday and I have nothing but my two beautiful and wickedly smart children to show for it. Yes, I have a store, but it doesn't make me any money. I do it because I love it, and I have almost three years left to make it a viable option to take care of me and my children, or exit from it altogether, we shall see what comes to pass at the time the lease runs out. The reason why this information is important is because I am not some Mommy Warbucks. I work really hard for any money I do have and do the best I can to provide for my children and myself with what I have. And I have to do it without help from my ex-husband. At this point he owes me more than $7,000 in child support. It sucks. There is so much more I could do with and for my kids if I could rely on support from him. Money doesn't make us happy though, and I am much happier now without much than I had with more.)

So, although I decided not to rock the boat of my marriage and get a divorce in October 2006, I did decide that I would leave my sexless, unromantic, toxic relationship and pursue a different one. Yes, while still being married.

I posted an ad -- on Craigslist. It basically stated that 33 year old, mom of two, married, and in a passionless, sexless marriage. I was a bigger woman, with junk in my trunk, and was sassy. Wanted what was missing and knew it was out there, but I didn't want to rock the boat of what I had at home and if I found the right person I would like a long term relationship with that person. That is not the exact wording of the ad, but you get the picture. I didn't paint the picture of a young blond thing who wanted to hook up with a sugar daddy. I wanted honesty, I wanted discretion, I wanted everything I was missing in my marriage. Looking back on it, it is so embarrassing, naive and really shows how manic I had become with my life to post this on Craigslist, but I did. Within 24 hours I had more than 200 responses.

All men who replied with a photo of their penis went into the trash. Need Not Apply. Any man who was between the ages of 16 and 29 and 47 and older went into the trash. Need Not Apply. Any man who couldn't SPELL went into the trash -- yeah yeah Need Not Apply. Although I was a little desperate, I still had guidelines to follow. And I had made a list of rules that I would abide by. Safety was priority. A good email rapport was essential. They had to be in a similar situation.

I turned the ad off after that first day. I whittled. 200 quickly became 10. 10 became 5. And on the day that I had made the list of 5 I got an email reply, "Trunk Key."

I thought the title was cute, because I had mentioned junk in my trunk. And even though my whittling process was over and the ad was removed I opened the email anyway, because I knew the name of the person who sent it. It was the husband of an acquaintance.  He was busted. Or at least he was soon to be ball busted. Just because I was in that kind of mood and thought I would fuck with a man who didn't even know enough to make an anonymous email account to respond to a CL ad. DUH.

Well to make a long story shorter than it could be, I emailed back and forth with Trunk Key. He was on his computer, I was on mine, so even though we didn't instant message each other we refreshed our screens and knew a new response was in the queue. He instantly got on the defensive when I pointed out I knew of him and knew who his wife was. I think I even snickered a little while I banged on the typewriter keys. I do remember at one point asking him what his wife had stuck up her butt, because she was a highly uptight person and talked more than any other human being I had ever met. Anyway, after a few messages back and forth, he still had no idea who I was.  So I told him I was willing to level the playing field and meet him on the top of McMenamins Hotel Oregon in 20 minutes.

I got out of my pajamas, hopped into a pair of jeans and a shirt and took off for the hotel. I sat up on the rooftop and waited.

It's Been Forever

Well, it has been forever and a half since I last wrote a blog. In fact, I know it was September 2009 when I penned my last blog entry on myspace. I gave up that ghost of a site and retreated into a sad turmoiled world for a couple of months as I battled my soon-to-be ex-husband.

I thought it was better to leave my thoughts unrecorded during this time as my mind was a dark and angry space. Fast forward to April 28, 2010 and here I am - a survivor who is happy and tries her best to see the light even on dark, gloomy and wet Oregon days like today! (Rain, rain go away!)

I logged into my blogger account just for the purpose of following a friends blog and decided to take a moment and just dribble a couple of thoughts on the computer.

Having no idea what I really want to say I mostly babble randomly, which I tend to do in real life anyhow.

After my divorce I had really good period where I tried to stop taking anti-depressants. This just came to mind because I was reminded to take my little pink Effexor XR 75 and washed it down with a bottled water here at my store. I thought I could go off of it for good, since I was free of some pretty heavy baggage. After a couple of weeks free of my daily ritual I realized I wasn't handling my thoughts very well and gradually got back onto a half dose of my original medication. I was at 150 mg. for about 6 years and have settled at 75 mg for at least the past year. For me to go totally off my meds, I have been advised I would have to start working out, every day, and for about an hour. Excuse me? Have you seen me? My idea of working out is getting up from bed and going to the bathroom. So taking a pill every day is just easier for this typical lazy, obese, out-of-shape American woman.

Now, I am not being harsh on myself or anything with that last statement. It is just good ol' plain facts. I realized this last night as I was hungry after closing up the shop a half an hour late and drove through McDonald's, ordered a cheeseburger Happy Meal with a Coke, and ate it as I drove my hour-long commute home. Nasty stuff that Happy Meal was. But there you have it. I was hungry and my poor planning led me to get a quick fix of a less-than-healthy dinner.

If I was able to change my entire life at this point, in regard to health, I would be much better for it. I do tell myself if and when the fucking sun shines in the state this year (still waiting and it is almost May) I will start getting out and exercising. Not hard core or anything, but a walk with my boys, or my dog, or even ride my bike.

Well that is my goal. I think I might even try to jog a lap around the high school track after a couple of weeks of getting out and walking to see if it is possible for me to do without having a heart-attack. I will definitely update this blog if I am successful. If I am not successful, then this will be my last posting.

HA!

Well, work beckons. My fun little joint on the Oregon Coast (aka Stacy's Scrap Shack) nestled in the Safeway Shopping Plaza in Lincoln City really needs my attention. So have a great day out there in cyberspace if any one is reading.